I've Got Issues

by Blindedbylife

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about

So it looks like you have made a mistake and found this is a small collection of songs written in my "anxious acoustic" style. Topics of these songs include trying to appear calm outside but screaming inside, feeling ugly, being so anxious I shake, dealing with social anxiety and just being overly sensitive so how loud people can be. They are pretty whinny but they are how I feel sometimes.... most of the time..... ok pretty much all the time but what can you do? Try and get better you say? It isn't really that easy but thanks for being so judgmental. Anyway, the point is I have problems and now my problems are your problems because you have to listen. Ok you don't have to listen, but please listen. Please

credits

released January 20, 2017

All songs written by Ryan Spence
All instruments, sounds, noises or whatever were preformed or programmed by Ryan Spence
Recorded, mixed and mastered in the privacy of my basement which is why is sounds like that. Sorry.
Cover photo by Ryan Spence

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about

Blindedbylife Ottawa, Ontario

I guess this is the place where I tell you a bit about myself and my music. But I am not really good and explaining things. For a song writer I am not always good with my words, which is probably why I am rambling a bit right now. Oh crap I seem to be running out of characters and I haven't really told you anything yet. I still have a bit of space so I guess I should at least say that my music is ... more

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Track Name: On The Inside
You come on over to say hi
You just want to chat
I seem like a fun guy
There is nothing wrong with that

It is just something to do
All our talking is small
How are things with you
I like the art on your wall

It is so totally normal
It happens every day
Easy and informal
It’s just that game we all play

I look you in the eyes
And it seems like we connect
You’d probably be surprised
I hope you never suspect

That I’m screaming inside
I am just so full of panic
I just wish that I had died
Feeling completely volcanic
I could explode at any moment
Melt myself from inside out
Make myself feel so abhorrent
Overwhelmed by my own doubts

You’re a friend of a friend
I just want to be polite
but I really want this to end
and get on with my night

I put on a fake smile
I try to follow along
I will be stuck here a while
But I don’t really belong

I struggle hard to join in
I try to make some funny joke
But very much to my chagrin
The words get stuck and I choke

In the end I end up silent
And make a bad impression
It is basically like I’m absent
It just fuels my depression

I’m screaming inside
I am just so full of panic
I just wish that I had died
Feeling completely volcanic
I could explode at any moment
Melt myself from inside out
Make myself feel so abhorrent
Overwhelmed by my own doubts
Track Name: Ugly
I could probably write a book
About what I hate about how I look
A long list of things that are shoddy
That make up my terrible body
I just feel no affection
For that man in my reflection
Perhaps I am being over reactive
But I find myself so unattractive

I don’t know what you see in me
I have no idea how you can get snugly
I just don’t see what it is you see
Because all I see is ugly

I don’t hate every single part
But I am really no work of art
There is more wrong than right
I’d certainly give you a fright
If you had to see me in the nude
But don’t worry, that would be Rude
But let's not be absurd
Man that would be awkward

I don’t know what you see in me
I have no idea how you can get snugly
I just don’t see what it is you see
Because all I see is ugly

Rejected for any reason you could think
I can only assume that I stink
Am I too fat, am I too hairy?
Is my face really that scary?
Is it my teeth? What about my nose?
It must be just everything I suppose
Body shaming can be quite insidious
All I know is that I feel hideous

I don’t know what you see in me
I have no idea how you can get snugly
I just don’t see what it is you see
Because all I see is ugly
Track Name: Shaking
Perhaps I am sensing my doom
As I hide out in this bathroom
Perhaps there is nothing to fear
Yes I find myself still trapped here
Frozen I can’t make myself move
I just wish I could just improve
Instead I am sure I just worsen
When all I want is to be a real person

Can’t seem to be free from this anxiety
I’m trapped in this hole I’ve lost all control
It feels like an ocean as I drown in emotion
My will is breaking and I just really want to stop shaking

It sounds like it should be easy
Yet I keep feeling so queasy
The cat seems to have my tongue
There is no air in my lungs
I really just want to belong
But it has been far too long
I’ve now made a bad impression
Which only furthers my depression

Can’t seem to be free from this anxiety
I’m trapped in this hole I’ve lost all control
It feels like an ocean as I drown in emotion
My will is breaking and I just really want to stop shaking

I draw my breath in deep
Hope they don’t think I’m a creep
I try and hold myself steady
Am I finally ready?
For a second lower your guard
I mean this shouldn’t be that hard
Stop staring and gawking
Just seriously start talking

Can’t seem to be free from this anxiety
I’m trapped in this hole I’ve lost all control
It feels like an ocean as I drown in emotion
My will is breaking and I just really want to stop shaking
Track Name: Social Anxiety
I don't like the crowd
It is too loud
Can't get the noise out of my head
It is bedlam
Surrounded by them
Can't seem to fight this feeling of dread
I will admit
I just don't fit
Can't seem to find that place that I belong
Can't seem to flee
This anxiety
Wish for once I could be strong

They say I suffer from social anxiety
Which explains my impropriety
So if ever you thought I was rude to you
I hope this explanation will do
Because really it's not you it's me
Who does this so awkwardly
I hope you understand me now
I want to talk I just don't know how

My hand in shaking
And I am flaking
About to just run away screaming
Do you hate me?
Just tolerate me?
I'm not sure I'm worth redeeming
I just curse
I am the worst
Really I'm sure you'll can plainly see
Just counting down
To when you are around
When you finally just give up on me

They say I suffer from social anxiety
Which explains my impropriety
So if ever you thought I was rude to you
I hope this explanation will do
Because really it's not you it's me
Who does this so awkwardly
I hope you understand me now
I want to talk I just don't know how
Track Name: Silence
Sound is like a room when the walls closing
The noise makes the walls so imposing
Try as I might I can’t seem to adapt
No matter what I do I am trapped
Like a vice on my head it squeezes
Just want to find something that eases
The paralyzing feeling I can’t escape
Trying to find something I can drape
Around me for some protection
Something to give me some disconnection
God I wish I didn’t have to be me
And for a moment I could just be free
I cover my ears and shrink away
Hoping things get better some day
I want the strength to show defiance
But all I really want is some silence
I fear inside is building up
I just want to make you just shut up
I want to scream I want to riot
Just to make you please be quiet
I will shout into this crowd
You are not the only ones who can be loud
My shouts might seem counterproductive
But I’m not looking to be constructive
This noise has finally taken its toll
But for once I just want to have control