I think it may have been my worst day The day she walked out on me I really didn’t see it coming But I guess she had to be free It just seemed so ridiculously sudden She was gone with a whirl I wish I could take it like a man But she left me for another girl I should have seen this coming It just happened in a blur But what hurts the most are the postcards That say I wish you were her Like I didn’t feel emasculated enough To end our matrimony But she insists on being the one To send me alimony I guess it is my fault, I know And I feel so dumb I completely regret asking her For that MFF 3some She says she knows I blame myself She says that isn’t the case But she gives new meaning to the phrase Rub it in my face I did my best to handle it all With dignity and poise I’ve got something that they don’t have But then she showed me their toys

I am not on the facebook So I can’t get your friend request I can’t be found anywhere On that site that you’re so obsessed I am afraid I can not like your store I can’t poke or comment on your wall That status you wrote I didn’t see Because I don’t care at all I didn’t see those pics you posted And I completely missed that joke I’ll never know what you had for lunch I won’t see when you awoke Because I am completely out of touch I just have no idea what is going on I used to be hip I used to be cool Now I am completely withdrawn Social media just baffles me I just can’t get behind the notation Though you will never hear this song I can’t use this stuff for self promotion I am not on the twitter I didn’t see your twit or whatever I can never see your 140 character Attempt to be funny and clever The only thing I know about a hashtag Is that it looks to me like a pound sign I guess I can understand why people use it Which is more than I can say about Vine My name doesn’t start with an @ But I am sure things could be a lot worse I am sure that I am missing quite a lot Not being a part of the twitterverse Because I am completely out of touch I just have no idea what is going on I used to be hip I used to be cool Now I am completely withdrawn Social media just baffles me I just can’t get behind the notation Though you will never hear this song I can’t use this stuff for self promotion I am not on the instagram I hardly ever take pictures with my phone I guess I don’t feel like every tiny moment In my life really needs to be shown I am certainly not on the google plus What that is I am not even sure I am not anywhere on the foursquare I don’t even have photos on flickr I have never even been on reddit Don’t hate me for that, I must beg I am nowhere to be found on linkedin My klout score is a big fat goose egg Because I am completely out of touch I just have no idea what is going on I used to be hip I used to be cool Now I am completely withdrawn Social media just baffles me I just can’t get behind the notation Though you will never hear this song I can’t use this stuff for self promotion I am actually on the tumbler thatsnotsoonenough.tumblr.com

I am very happy with the way things are You are the love of my life…so far And you have set a pretty high bar The best woman I know by far But listen if I may be so bold who knows what the future may hold What may come is totally unpredictable But at the moment my love is unequivocal Maybe tomorrow you could be lost to me Anything can happen, you hve to agree You could be in an accident gone just like that You could fall to your death, splat You could get really sick, die holding my hand Losing you now is not what I planned You may finally come to that realization You’d be happier on a permanent vacation You may finally see that I’m a huge prick That you’d rather just beat me with a huge stick It wouldn’t be hard to find someone better for you Though it will hurt I will probably pull through If your gone I’d be ok, sort of Eventually I will trick someone else into love But as of the moment you’re the love of my life I am very happy to call you my wife What should you do now, you should probably know Is to hug me and love me and never let me go

Here I am, late at night, standing at the cross roads It is cold, I am scared, but ready to sell my soul I want talent, I want money, I want groupies in loads I want everything I can have, all the fame that is in store She appeared, suddenly before me with a puff of smoke She takes a look, sizes me up and with an evil smirk She is so stunning, she is quite lovely, wearing only a cloak My jaw drops, my eyes linger and I feel like a jerk She asked me why, I dared to summon her to this earth I am here to make a deal, I am before you to submit She reaches deep into me to try and determine my worth When she is done she takes a look at me, pfft is that it? I sold my soul to get me this talent but it was worth barely anything at all I wanted to play beautiful music But I guess my soul was too small What do you mean? I ask her with some trepidation I always thought my soul was a good size She laughed at me, with way too much elation I am not sure who was telling you these lies I really had no idea, nobody said anything before She just laughed and said, you can’t please me with that I only have what god gave me, it’s nothing to abhor She looks at me, incredulously, is that a matter of fact? I said I know that I may look it, but I am not that dumb Are you going to make a deal with me I angrily demanded She said I hope, at least that you can make me come Up here and not have me leave completely empty handed I sold my soul to get me this talent But I think that it is rather diminished I gave everything that I had But I ran out before she could finish

The machine came along, really not that long ago It can tell you how you die, but do you really want to know? Printed on a little paper your death in big block letters Now that you know your death, do you really feel much better? You might know the how but you don’t know the when or why You basically know what everyone knows, that one day you will die It is just a bit of pressure on your finger tip that the needle will apply It is just a drop of blood that is required, that is all you need to give You want the machine of death to tell you how you will die But the real question you should be asking is how you will live? The test, my friend is what you do now with this knowledge Do you see the world, do you hide away, do you maybe go to college? Do you use this info to live in fear, does it give you freedom to be alive? Will you let the machine’s answer take you down or with it will you thrive? I guess that answers up to you my friend, now go forth and be complete Death will come to everyone one day the only question is how you meet It is just a bit of pressure on your finger tip that the needle will apply It is just a drop of blood that is required, that is all you need to give You want the machine of death to tell you how you will die But the real question you should be asking is how you will live? You prediction may seem to you quite clear, it might make perfect sense But you can never be quite sure you should stay on your best defense Sometimes the answer that you get can really be quiet poetic Which frankly one should expect from something so prophetic But sometimes the answers you get can be almost downright demonic Because my friend, the last thing you want is for your death to be ironic It is just a bit of pressure on your finger tip that the needle will apply It is just a drop of blood that is required, that is all you need to give You want the machine of death to tell you how you will die But the real question you should be asking is how you will live?

Oh, my dearest how I love you so I just have to try and let the world know Nobody loves her quite like I do Only I have the love that is completely true To me she is the most beautiful girl To me she is the most precious pearl Only I know just how funny she can be She is amazing in a way that only I can see When I am near her it gets my heart thundering But now that I think about it it has got me wondering If she is so great then why does nobody else see? Maybe it isn’t there and there is something wrong with me Either I am seeing things that are not really there Maybe the things I love are just really rare If I love you more, then what did everyone miss? I can’t tell if it is me or them, but something’s amiss I can honestly say I love you like no other What do they know that I don’t I have to wonder My dearest of dears you are one in a million Which isn’t that good when there’s over 7 billion But don’t let my archaic turn of phrase go and fool you Baby you are my one ring because I think you rule too You, my lovely are positively and amazingly unique I am the only one who sees it, am I a freak? Because it really does have me questioning And now you finally have heard my confession…ing? Are you really that amazing or is this just lunacy? A fuck it, I love you enough with this scrutiny If she is so great then why does nobody else see? Maybe it isn’t there and there is something wrong with me Either I am seeing things that are not really there Maybe the things I love are just really rare If I love you more, then what did everyone miss? I can’t tell if it is me or them, but something’s amiss I can honestly say I love you like no other What do they know that I don’t I have to wonder

Believe it or not but mermaids aren’t real be There is actually no such thing as a unicorn be There is no vampire that will make you his meal be Little baby Jesus was never really born be When I grew up, I put away childish things You can’t find a leprechaun and his pot o’ gold be No werewolves that leave their victims clawed be There is no scary ghost you will ever behold be Just so I am perfectly clear, there is no god be When I grew up, I put away childish things No basilisk slivering trying to turn you to stone be You can’t enter the throne room of the Goblin King be Ogres’ are not trying to make bread from your bones be It’s completely impossible to fly on the angels wings be When I grew up, I put away childish things You won’t catch bigfoot stomping through the woods be No fire breathing dragon that’s guarding his treasure be There really are not gremlins that are up to no good be You will never get to enjoy any heavenly pleasure be When I grew up, I put away childish things You will never be eaten alive by a manticore be There are no ents, no dwarfs, no hobbits as well be No one has ever seen a real chupacabra before be There is no devil waiting for you deep down in hell be When I grew up, I put away childish things

Sometimes I feel so alone lost in a solitude I can hardly explain Awash in a sea, set adrift while I struggle just to maintain It is just me here, all alone That is just how things are I do my best not to cry instead I just strum my guitar Solitude, I’m not sure, if it can really, truely express how I feel The vast emptiness that I have growing inside, is the word really ideal? You say you understand that you have sympathy but it that really the case? You don’t know me, just leave me alone while I play with my bass The lonesomeness that weighs me down such a burden to bear I’m not asking for sympathy, I am not asking for love, I don’t expect you to care Solitude will completely me, it will swallow me whole, watch me succumb The time has passed, all that is really left is for me to softly bang on the drum No time like the present no reason to wait, no need to hold back The time must be nigh, to say good by, All that’s left is to fade to black This is the end, the conclusion, the finish, I will try to be quick Now, much like Dylan the time has finally come to go to electric.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Trent Reznor I am not even really sure if I can even say why There is just something about him that just speaks to me I am not sure I can find the words, but here let me try I would imagine it has something to do with angst I think he speaks a lot to my inner teenager I like the noise, I like the rage, I like the destroyed beauty I think perhaps it might be a lot of his honest nature It seems to me that he does what he wants He makes the music that he wants to write I don’t think he likes to bow down to label pressure He has a loud bark but can have a terrible bite He isn’t for everyone but to me he is a hero His voice resonating inside me just can’t be ignored Say what you want but he was covered by Johnny Cash And he won a motherfucking academy award I may not know art but I like what I know I think an artist should be honest and true So make the art you want to make, you know? Be who you are and do what you do I think the secret is to do it and let yourself grow Don’t try to be the best or the smartest Though who am I and what do I really know? I’m just Ryan Spence, Pretend Artist I’ve been listening to a lot of Amanda Palmer She is a more recent addition to my listening pleasure I sort of wish I had discovered her sooner She is becoming quiet the lovely treasure (I mean that in the british way) There always seems to be controversy around her I guess she can rub people the wrong way That may be part of the appeal for me I’m a bit of a shit disturber, what can I say But what I think I really love about her It is the honesty coming from her I really feel She is outspoken and opinionated and in your face And above all else I have no doubt she is real I guess what I think is the most important that Is really about the way her music can make me feel I will gladly admit I would love a chance to kiss her Now that I mention it I’d also happily kiss Neil I may not know art but I like what I know I think an artist should be honest and true So make the art you want to make, you know? Be who you are and do what you do I think the secret is to do it and let yourself grow Don’t try to be the best or the smartest Though who am I and what do I really know? I’m just Ryan Spence, Pretend Artist I’ve been listening to a lot of Tom Waits I am not sure if I could make a better choice Now that is certainly someone I can call artist But please don’t let me try and do the voice I really like that Tom is such a story teller Weaving tales of the seedy underbelly of humanity They are gritty, and raw and full of beauty and horror There is a touch of humour to be found in all that insanity Once again as an artist he seems very honest Being the kind of performer that he wants to be Looking at it I realize that honesty is something That is clearly very important to me I know there are some people who don’t like his voice It doesn’t matter, because it is my heart he stole Those of us that love him, just love him to death You gotta keep detractors way down in the hole I may not know art but I like what I know I think an artist should be honest and true So make the art you want to make, you know? Be who you are and do what you do I think the secret is to do it and let yourself grow Don’t try to be the best or the smartest Though who am I and what do I really know? I’m just Ryan Spence, Pretend Artist

I have always wanted to write a song that can make people cry I want my words to reach into their heart and make them want to die I want to touch their soul to make them feel what I want them to feel I need to find the words that hurt I need to find your achilles’ heel But I can’t find the words to rip you apart The words that get inside and break your heart Your emotional breakdown I desperately want to engineer But not matter what I say you won’t shed a fucking tear I want to weave passionate lyrics into a deep and dark foreboding But how to reach your heart I need to do some serious decoding I scrutinize to see if your god damn armour really has any cracks Nothing would make me happier than to behold your tear tracks But I can’t find the words to rip you apart The words that get inside and break your heart Your emotional breakdown I desperately want to engineer But not matter what I say you won’t shed a fucking tear I desperately want a terrible sadness that is my only aim I pretty much want you to hate me as you cry you curse my name My words won’t get you I wonder what else there is, what tricks I can apply It doesn’t really matter I might as well just giving up. Damn it just fucking cry But I can’t find the words to rip you apart The words that get inside and break your heart Your emotional breakdown I desperately want to engineer But not matter what I say you won’t shed a fucking tear

Oh I found them to be quite amazing Oh that kind of woman we should be praising Oh the finest women I ever knew Oh I love those BBW What can I say about women that hasn’t been said before A million times and in a million ways from days of yore Each and every woman is amazing in her own special way They are all beautiful they are all wonderful, that is all I have to say But there is one type of woman I feel is sorely under appreciated I think it well past time that this problem is alleviated BBW Those big beautiful women BBW Oh man they’ve got me swimming BBW I just can’t get them out of my head BBW Get of my dreams and into my bed No please don’t get me wrong I am not trying to fetishize you People out there find you beautiful and I want to make sure you knew Oh my goodness you lovely women with all your lovely curves You are certainly more woman than a man like me deserves Now when I say this, I hope it doesn’t come across to rude But hot damn you beautiful girl I’d love to see you nude BBW Those big beautiful women BBW Oh man they’ve got me swimming BBW I just can’t get them out of my head BBW Get of my dreams and into my bed <possible rap> BBW Those big beautiful women BBW Oh man they’ve got me swimming BBW I just can’t get them out of my head BBW Get of my dreams and into my bed To the guys out there that have no idea what they are missing Open your eye and open your hearts to those girls you could be kissing I guess what it is I am trying to say it try to see the beauty in everyone Because trust me my friend you life could be a lot more fun If you could see how sexy a bbw is just think what we could achieve I would also like to mention, they fuck like you wouldn’t believe Oh I love those BBW